Self Perception

When I was between the age of 11 to 15, I was completely obsessed with what people thought of me. How I viewed myself was based entirely on other people's opinions and whenever I heard that someone had said something nasty about me, it would utterly destroy me - my self esteem would plummet and it would take me a while and a whole lot of strength to stand back on my own two feet again. Looking back on it now, I can't help but question what it was that made me feel this way - as though the opinion of others was more important than my own, and thinking about it completely baffles me.

I've touched on this in my 'Why do we find it impossible to love ourselves' post (here), but the pressures that we, and I say this from a teenage perspective, face on a daily basis are just extraordinary. In a world where we're told to 'love ourselves', yet slated for being vain, it seems as though you have to show a measured amount of a certain characteristic, yet if you either exceed or fail to meet the limit then you will be denounced. It's a constant, vicious cycle yet I find that the less you care, then the happier you will be.

I'm not too sure if it's just coincidence, but since starting up my blog again I've noticed how much I've grown in confidence. I remember when I first published the 'Finding Happiness Again' post (here) and I had to turn my phone off for a couple of hours because I was honestly terrified about how other people were going to respond to it. Something I've always been very worried about is looking as though I'm demanding sympathy or attention - which I hope you all know is definitely not the case. I want to share my experiences, yet not because I want you to feel sorry for me - but because I want you to see how I have learnt and evolved from them.

So, going back to what I was talking about before, (sorry, but you should know by now that I tend to ramble on with myself) once I worked up enough courage to actually go on Instagram, which is where I first 'advertised' that post, the biggest amount of relief washed over me - people actually enjoyed it! I have received the most amazing amount of support with every single blog post that I do, and every message I get puts the biggest smile on my face ... I honestly don't think I can explain how happy it makes me. Also, that post is going to be (!!!) published (!!!) in a magazine at my local church - my first published article, something that I have been dreaming of for a very very very long time! That may not seem like a big deal to people, but it honestly means the world to me.

Doing things that scare you or make you nervous usually turn out to be the best things you ever do. However, even if it does all go a bit tits up, then you can learn and move forward from that and therefore see what you would do differently next time. What's the worst that could happen?

There's a very fine line between confidence and arrogance, and that's one that I'm always careful not to cross. Yes, people's opinions don't bother me entirely, but I'm never going to be one of those people who are downright rude and nasty towards others and careless about the consequences that then develop. I mean it more in the sense that I can be who I want, wear what I want, write what I want and say what I want because I know that that's who I am. If people like it, then that's great, but if they don't - then I'm not going to lose any sleep because of it.

I know people who can't even deal with someone looking at them in a weird way and, in all honesty, I used to be one of those people. If someone would laugh or whisper in close proximity to where I was, I would assume it was at my expense, and that would, without a doubt, ruin my day/week/month/year/life. Now if I notice someone doing that, it doesn't even cross my mind ... if they are laughing at me, then they have ever single right to do so - I'm a right idiot and I laugh at myself anyway so they're just saving me a job.

Being opinionated isn't being bitchy, and I don't think I can stress that enough. I find it very difficult to sit and agree with someone's opinions when I know in my heart that I completely disagree with them. If I don't like something, I WILL say it and, if I'm completely honest, it's written all over my face anyway. I definitely struggle to conceal how I'm feeling - which I guess is both a blessing and a curse. At the end of the day, not everyone is going to agree with everything, and no matter what is considered the 'social norm', if you don't agree with it, then I think you should speak up. Nothing is ever going to change if you sit down and wait for it to happen because you're too worried about how other people are going to perceive you.

You will never meet the same stranger twice, remember that. If you're too scared to have fun or act like an idiot in public, then just remember that there's a very slim chance that you will ever see these people again ... unless, say, it was at the school which you attend every day (and even so, I'm sure there's waaaaaay more drama going on than just silly old you being a bit of a weirdo). If you have goals and ambitions, you shouldn't hold them off because you are scared of how others are going to take it. At the end of the day, and please excuse the cringe here, you are in control of your own destiny so you have every single right to live your life the way you want to. By doing this blog, I am that one step closer to achieving my dreams and I am honestly so glad that I bit the bullet and clicked the 'publish' button when I did. Having this space is so important to me, and you know what - I'm proud of it. I don't want to be ordinary, passive or boring - in all honesty I want to make an impact, and I know that in order to do this then you need to put yourself out there. Opportunities don't just come running to you, you have to go and find them yourself.

To sum everything up, I just wanted to say that no other opinion of you is more important than your own. If you are happy with who you are and what you're doing, then everything else simply doesn't matter.

I hope you enjoyed this post, and I'll see (?/speak?/write to?) you next week!

Love,
Grace x